A very BIG little surprise

This post has been in the works for weeks (hence the length). What to say, running through my head, especially in the shower-the great think tank. I can't even convey everything I've thought or felt since "the surprise" in this post. For the more intuitive reader, you probably have a good guess of what the surprise may be. For those of you who don't, well you won't be more surprised then Gordon and I were.

We always knew we wanted several kids (after Isaac maybe not 7...). We thought two years in between each would be ideal. But our ideals are not always the Lord's ideals, and He thought someone else was ready to join us. In 6ish months.

Yes you did read that correctly.

We are pregnant.

We are excited.

 

We are nervous.

For those of you who need some help with the math, if this baby is relatively on time, Isaac and his little baby brother or sister (my prediction), will be 14.5 months apart. Like I said, excited but nervous.

I'm about 12/40 weeks along now, and this has been enough time for the shock to die down and for me to think about my new reality without wanting to crawl and hide under the bed. When Isaac was about 5-6 months, I started getting the "nudgies", aka feeling really anxious-in a good way- and excited about our next baby, and almost feeling like they were waiting and anxious to come be a part of our family. Of course being "sensible", I didn't recognize them as such, just thought I was missing Isaac as a newborn (even though he was not easy by any stretch of the imagination). 

It's obvious to me now that those weren't just passing random thoughts and wishes. Those were promptings. If I would have prayed about them, perhaps I would have been surprised by the answer but not blindsided by the plus sign staring at me in the bathroom.

I may or may not have had a mini meltdown in the bathroom with me staring at the ceiling mouthing "ARE YOU SERIOUS?!" You should also take into account that this was May, when Gordon didn't have a job yet, we had to be out of our apartment by the end of the month, not knowing where we should move to. So this little piece of news was just too much uncertainty for me to handle in that moment.

Fortunately for me I have a wonderful husband who knew something was wrong (even though I had taken refuge sorting laundry to avoid further meltdowns), and asked if I was ok. "I'm preeeeeegnant", I half sobbed. "Oh honey. It will all be ok." Pretty simple words but exactly what I needed to hear. Please don't think I didn't want this baby. I am beyond grateful that carrying children has not been a struggle for us. We know so many wonderful people who have had this as their trial of faith, and their strength and courage is inspiring. It was just so much to take in at once.

 So many questions needed to be answered. Do I go back to work? When do I go back? Can I get mat leave? Can we afford not have mat leave? What would I do with Isaac? Can I even leave him enough to get mat leave? I felt like a terrible mother. One because I would not be able to spend as much time with Isaac alone as I had originally wanted, and two because I could not be as excited about this baby as I was about Isaac. As all this was causing inner turmoil, I lay down beside my 6.5 month old son, he looked at me I touched my face like he knew exactly what was going on. "It's ok mum" he said, "I'll be ok too". 

I had Gordon give me a priesthood blessing, feeling like I needed some guidance and reassurance. In the first few lines he used a very specific phrase that I had used in a silent plea to Heavenly Father when I first looked at that positive pregnancy test. I hadn't told Gordon anything about it. I knew without a doubt in that moment that Heavenly Father was intimately aware of what I was feeling, thinking, experiencing. Reminding me that motherhood and raising a family was the Lord's greatest mission for me, and that I shouldn't worry about what other people might think, I felt peace for the first time that day.

And I still feel peace.

I know that this will be challenging. I know that choosing to not work full time to get mat leave hours and stay home with Isaac instead is what the Lord wants me to do. I don't know how everything will work out once this baby comes, but I know that it will. Gordon and I are so very blessed to be parents again so quickly, and although we can't anticipate all the challenges and changes it will bring, we know that the joy of another child will rise above them all. So please don't pity us. Celebrate with us.

p.s. nitty gritty pregnancy details to come in a later post (for those who want them)